In the wild, there’s a story often told about how monkeys are trapped by their own desire. A simple device—a jar with a banana inside—is all that’s needed. The monkey reaches in, grasps the banana, and finds itself trapped, unable to pull its hand out without letting go of the fruit. The trapper simply walks up and captures the monkey, which could have easily escaped if only it had released its prize. This story, while seemingly straightforward, offers a profound metaphor for the work we do as therapists, particularly in the realm of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
In the context of attachment theory, the banana represents the rigid and often unconscious patterns that our clients cling to in their relationships. These patterns—formed in the crucible of early attachment experiences—serve as their way of securing love, attention, or safety. However, much like the monkey with the banana, these patterns can become traps that hold our clients back from the true emotional freedom and intimacy they desire. They are caught in the grip of behaviors and beliefs that once served them but now keep them from evolving their emotional connections.
For many couples, the grasping comes in the form of reactive cycles: the pursuit-withdrawal dynamic, the blame-defend standoff, or the silent resentment that builds over time. These patterns are their "bananas," the things they believe they need to hold onto for survival within the relationship. Yet, these same patterns are what perpetuate their disconnection and emotional pain. They find themselves stuck, unable to pull free from the habits that prevent them from moving toward a more secure attachment with their partner.
As EFT therapists, our role is to help clients recognize the metaphorical bananas they’re holding onto—the attachment fears, unmet needs, and distorted beliefs about themselves and their partners. We guide them to see that what they’re holding onto is not leading them to safety, but rather keeping them trapped in cycles of fear and disconnection. By facilitating experiences where they can safely let go of these patterns, clients can begin to experience new ways of relating—ways that are rooted in secure attachment and emotional responsiveness.
In the end, helping our clients "drop the banana" is about enabling them to loosen their grip on the past and their entrenched fears, and to open up to new possibilities of connection. It’s about showing them that true freedom and intimacy come not from clinging to what’s familiar, but from risking vulnerability and embracing the present moment with their partner. By doing so, they can finally pull their hand from the jar, step back from the trap, and walk freely toward the loving relationships they’ve always sought.
Now on with this week’s Ohio EFT Newsletter:
The Heartbreak Of Parent-Child Estrangement, And How To Cope.
by Joshua Coleman, PhD on August 19th, 2024
Descriptions of abuse or neglect are common in an estrangement between an adult child and a parent. Many parents are baffled and hurt by this perception. At the center of this parental confusion is a generational divide over what constitutes psychological harm, according to this recent article from the author of the book The Rules of Estrangement.
How Yoga Can Boost Your Brain Health.
by Richard Sima on August 19th, 2024
Yoga has long been associated with better physical flexibility and health, and now it is being linked to improved cognition, as well, according to growing research, The Washington Post reported this week.
Why Do People Mix Up Names?
by Nidhi Subbaraman on August 19th, 2024
Proper nouns are especially hard for the brain to learn and recall. Read here to find out new insights into how the brain remembers information by linking new bits of data with existing information of similar meaning or context.
Our Next OhioEFT Zoom Call Is Friday, August 30th.
by OhioEFT on August 19th, 2024
Join us at 9:00am on the last Friday of August for our continuing discussion about Emotionally Focused Therapy. We’ll be discussing couples sexual issues from an attachment perspective and much more. Here’s the link! I’ll send out a reminder email with the link on Thursday, August 29th.
‘Empty Nest’: What’s Left When Kids Fly Out on Their Own.
by Ben Zimmer on August 19th, 2024
A lonely sounding metaphor arose for parents seeing their kids off to college, but not everyone accepts it. Maybe you prefer the term, “free bird?” Read here to learn more.
Virtual Hold Me Tight Weekend Workshops Based In Columbus, OH This Fall.
by Infinite Transformations Counseling on August 19th, 2024
Wendolyn Ross, IMFT & Kris Snyder, MFT from Infinite Transformations Counseling in Columbus, OH are conducting Hold Me Tight workshops September 14-15 and October 5-6. Space is limited to 6 couples per workshop, Here’s a link to learn more.
Matthew Perry’s Death: Doctors, Perry’s Assistant and More Charged in Drug Investigation That Revealed ‘Underground Criminal Network.’
by Ethan Shanfeld on August 19th, 2024
“I wonder how much this moron will spend,” one of Perry’s doctors texted last fall, shortly before the actor’s death. After learning of Perry’s ketamine-related death, I asked, “Could this be any sadder?” in a blog post. Turns out that, yes, it could be. Read more in this Variety article.
The Gamer And The Psychiatrist.
by Megan Morrone on August 19th, 2024
A few minutes into his first live-streamed conversation with Byron Bernstein, Dr. Alok Kanojia got his caveats out of the way. This was not a therapy session; this was just conversation. Colleagues had warned him, he explained, that blurring the line could get him sued.
It was a riveting thing to watch: a fragile, brilliant young man opposite a probing, empathic doctor. The two men clearly liked each other, and Mr. Bernstein said he was improving. They had six conversations with live audiences that climbed into the hundreds of thousands. Then, a few months later, the dialogue ended, tragically, with Mr. Bernstein’s death by suicide at 31.
Did Dr. Kanojia's live-streamed conversations with a troubled video game champion cross an ethical line? Take a deep dive into this New York Times article.
Stay Calm Without Any Hacks.
by Cool Tools Labs on August 19th, 2024
Here is a great short list on how to stay calm without any hacks from Greg Isenberg. All of these tips are effective and simple ways to help you move out of “stuck” energy or feelings of helplessness, guiding you toward something more beneficial and useful. The advice, “if you’re scared, take a risk,” reminds me of an anonymous quote I recently came across: “The cold water doesn't get warmer if you jump late.”
