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Last week I called my sister and apologized for something that happened seven years ago. As kids, we were very close. One might even say we were “securely attached.”
However, as adults, the pendulum has swung quite far in the other direction.
We haven’t spoken to each other in more than a year.
I wish we could be closer, but it just hasn’t seemed possible.
Ironically, I’ve been handing clients something called “Anatomy of an Apology” like M&Ms in recent weeks, in an effort to help them repair a rupture in their attachment with a loved one.
I thought perhaps I should give it a try.
When we think about the dynamics of human relationships, particularly those within families, it's important to understand the power of a genuine apology. In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we focus on the emotional bonds between individuals, and how repairing those bonds can restore a sense of safety and trust. A true apology—one that is clear, without justification, and that acknowledges the hurt we’ve caused—has the capacity to heal these ruptures, especially in sibling relationships where emotional cut-offs may have occurred.
An apology is not a transaction, nor is it a way to regain favor or alleviate guilt.
I first came across this blueprint during my master’s degree internship. My supervisor pulled together points made by author Harriet Lerner. She points out in her most recent book, 2017’s Why Won’t You Apologize?, an effective apology is one that takes full responsibility for the harm caused, without defending or minimizing the offense. The apology must be offered without expectation of immediate forgiveness or resolution. It’s about acknowledging the other person's emotional experience fully, without turning the conversation back to the self.
Here are the ingredients for a heartfelt apology:
- Be specific about what you are apologizing for.
- Accept responsibility for what you did or said.
- Acknowledge what you did or said was hurtful.
- Identify what you could have done differently.
- Assure the individual it will not happen again.
- Identify how you plan to make it up to him/her.
- STOP TALKING!
That last part is perhaps my favorite part of this recipe.
Let your words land, and don’t fill the silence. Just sit for a moment. If the person listening feels like you "get it", that you understand the pain they've been experiencing, then you've hit the mark.
A mindful apology asks, "How can I make this right?" This doesn’t mean grand gestures or overcompensating, but small, intentional steps to restore trust over time.
It’s important that the person apologizing remembers to be authentic and sincere. In addition to expressing sorrow or regret, one should express emapthy. There’s astonishing power in saying “you must have felt like… when I did or said…”
Finally, there’s the emotional aspect of an apology—the humility to recognize that it may not be enough in the moment. When one has been estranged from a sibling, offering an apology might feel like they’re stepping into a vulnerable space. I know for me it did.
Yet, it’s precisely this vulnerability that fosters healing.
A heartfelt apology doesn’t immediately fix everything, but it does open the door for deeper emotional connection and, hopefully, repair.
As therapists, we guide our clients to step into that space with compassion, helping them navigate the intricacies of these critical moments in their relationships.
Now on with this week’s Ohio EFT Newsletter:
High Doses Of Adderall Linked With Heightened Risk Of Psychosis And Mania.
by Issam Ahmed on September 16th, 2024
In a striking new study recently published in the American Journal of Psychiatry, a team led by psychiatrist Lauren Moran of Mass General Brigham in Boston found that individuals taking high doses of the stimulant face more than a fivefold increased risk of developing psychosis or mania.
How To Help Someone Through A Panic Attack.
by Christina Caron on September 16th, 2024
A meteorologist stepped away from a live broadcast when he noticed familiar feelings of panic start to arise. We can all learn from how he and his colleagues handled it.
Our Next Ohio EFT Zoom Call Is Friday, September 27th.
by Ohio EFT on September 16th, 2024
Join us at 9:00am on the last Friday of September for our continuing discussion about Emotionally Focused Therapy. We’ll be discussing the first move of the EFT Tango: reflecting on the present process, both within and between people. Here’s the link. The day before the call you also get a reminder email with the link again.
Too Much? Many Americans Feel The Need To Limit Their Political News, AP-NORC/USAFacts Poll Finds.
by Andrea Petersen on September 16th, 2024
While about half of Americans say they are following political news “extremely” or “very” closely, about 6 in 10 say they need to limit how much information they consume about the government and politics to avoid feeling overloaded or fatigued, according to a new survey.
5 Ways To Recognize And Avoid Political Gaslighting.
by Robin Stern & Marc Brakett on September 16th, 2024
Those who propagate disinformation and lies to manipulate people into supporting them have earned the title of gaslighter. The Washington Post has your workaround.
Apple Has A Hot New Product. It’s A Hearing Aid.
by Ben Cohen on September 16th, 2024
The world’s most valuable company just turned its top-selling headphones into low-cost hearing aids—and it’s quietly a huge moment.
One Husband Is Enough: Women In Their 60s See No Need To Remarry.
by Harriet Torry on September 16th, 2024
Many don’t want the hassle or financial complications. ‘What would be the point?’
No Sex Drive After Menopause? A Unique Talk Therapy May Help, Study Finds.
by Rachel Zimmerman on September 16th, 2024
Sexual concerns — from a lower libido to trouble achieving orgasm or pain during sex — are common among women experiencing perimenopause and menopause. The Washington Post explains how talking about it with a therapist can help.
Dear Men, You’re Eating Too Much Meat.
by Andrea Petersen on September 16th, 2024
Overindulging in meat is linked to health problems, but men’s love for it runs deep.
