As far as I’m concerned, Olivio Rodrigo’s top 10 banger Obsessed is the best song of 2024. The song is centered on someone who can’t stop thinking about her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. “I’m so obsessed with your ex,” she sings. "I'm staring at her like I wanna get hurt”. Ouch. The internet nickname for this is “Rebecca Syndrome,” based on the 1940 Alfred Hitchcock psychological thriller, and the Daphne du Maurier book the movie is based on. The concept is more widely known as retroactive jealousy.
I heard the term “retroactive jealousy” for the first time this week, and it’s been stuck in my head like an earworm ever since. The same way I couldn’t get Obsessed out of my head since I first heard it back in March. Retroactive jealousy is less about what’s happening now and more about the stories a partner tells themselves about what happened then. For therapists trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), retroactive jealousy is a goldmine of opportunity to explore attachment needs and emotional triggers.
So… Where else can we find this concept in pop music?
A search of Reddit for retroactive jealousy turned up a thread for “Songs that trigger my RJ”. Mr.Brightside, the 2004 monster smash by The Killers, was a popular response. Retroactive jealousy can turn even the calmest partner or spouse into a character in Mr. Brightside—imagining scenes that spiral out of control and getting stuck in a loop of insecurity. EFT helps couples see those “jealousy, turning saints into the sea” moments for what they are: a cry for connection. By tuning into vulnerability instead of fear, they can build a relationship where trust isn’t just a bright side—it’s the foundation.
Dolly Parton’s 1973 song Jolene could be considered another great example of this. “I’m begging of you please don’t take my man,” the singer implores Jolene. “Please don't take him just because you can.” Retroactive jealousy often feels like calling out a rival who may not even be there. It’s less about Jolene herself and more about the fear of losing your partner’s affection. Through EFT, couples can work through these insecurities, moving from desperation to deeper understanding. They can let go of imaginary threats and find a way to feel secure in their connection—a bond so strong, Jolene wouldn’t stand a chance if she tried.
Everything But The Girl’s 1984 song Fascination came to mind immediately when I heard about this concept; with the line “I mustn’t wish your life began the day we met.” I first heard that line 40 years ago, and it’s stuck with me all this time. Fascination is a deep cut that may not be as widely known as the others mentioned here, but is worth highlighting because another line of lyrics actually touches on what might make a good EFT-style enactment. The singer is expressing her wants and needs, acknowledging the fear she faces. ”Reassure when my heart’s not bold enough to bear her name. If you were in my shoes, and scared, I would do the same.”
Through EFT’s structured conversations, we help the jealous partner voice their fears in a way that invites connection rather than pushing their partner away. And for the partner on the receiving end, we create space to respond with empathy instead of defensiveness, turning a reactive cycle into a moment of deeper bonding. With EFT, couples can leave the drama of imagined rivals behind and write a new melody together—one grounded in trust, security, and an understanding that it’s the relationship they’re building now that matters most.
If you find now you have an earworm from the songs mentioned here, or would just like to hear a soundtrack that goes along with this concept, you’ll find a link to a specially curated OhioEFT Spotify playlist below.
Now on with this week’s Ohio EFT Newsletter:
As Their Business Flourished, The Marriage Floundered.
by Ella Sangster on December 9th, 2024
The New York Times profiles a couple that may sound similar to clients you ar seeing. Emily and Matthew Hyland found that going into the restaurant business together was not a step to be taken lightly. “Shared visions can change,” he said. She recently published a book of poetry about their situation called “Divorced Business Parners: A Love Story”.
With More Active Lifestyle, Average Adult Could Live 5.3 Years Longer.
by Ian Macmahan on December 9th, 2024
The least active Americans appear to have the most to gain, according to this Washington Post article.
A Winning Mix: High Standards, High Support.
by Alexandra Moe on December 9th, 2024
A gold medal team offers an elite example of the rewards of 'positive discomfort,’ or improvement based on action, practice, mistakes and feedback.
Our Next Ohio EFT Zoom Call Is Friday, December 27th.
by Ohio EFT on December 9th, 2024
Join us at 9:00am on the last Friday of December for our continuing discussion about Emotionally Focused Therapy. On Friday morning December 27th we’ll be discussing the fourth move of the EFT Tango: processing the enactment and addressing blocks. Here’s the link.
How Weed Won Over America.
by Marin Cogan on December 9th, 2024
The land of the free and the home of the blazed. In 2022, for the first time, more Americans were using marijuana daily, or near daily, than consuming alcohol at the same rate, according to a study by Jonathan Caulkins, a professor at Carnegie Mellon University. Here’s a Vox article about how it happened.
Obsessed With Your Partner’s Ex? You’re Not Alone.
by Ella Sangster on December 9th, 2024
Although we touched on the topic earlier, this article was too good not to share. Tips on how to navigate retroactive jealously, hot on the heels of the essay above.
Retroactive Jealousy: The Playlist.
by Chris Cantergiani on December 9th, 2024
Retroactive Jealousy is when one partner gets tangled up in envy or insecurity about their partner’s past relationships. It is a real and often painful experience that can shake even the strongest of couples. So of course I couldn’t resist making a Spotify playlist for songs mentioned in this week’s essay… plus a few others. Give it a spin here.
Open Registration - Two New Virtual EFT Consultation Groups.
by Relationship Counseling of Ohio on December 9th, 2024
Dr. Allison Fagan has announced the launch of two new, intimate monthly consultation groups for EFT therapists. One will be for therapists who have completed externship and are getting acquainted with the model. A second group will tackle more advanced concepts for those who have already completed all four levels of Core Skills. The 90-minute sessions include time for deep-dive consultation and general discussion. Enrollment is limited to no more than 6 professionals. Click here for more information.
Why Friendship Breakups Hurt So Much.
by Katie Mogg and Catherine Pearson on December 9th, 2024
How Long Do Leftovers Last?
by Alice Callahan on December 9th, 2024
Please tell me you aren’t still finishing Thanksgiving leftovers! Seriously… The expiration date has passed. But you’re in luck… Here’s how to extend the life of your next holiday spread — or any meal — without getting sick.
